The Sunshine came around
Posted on March 15 2021
Well, Summer has arrived with a stubborn start. But finally, here we are the start of July and the rain isn't stopping.
I’ve been cloudy recently. My mind matches this undecisive weather, the skies themselves even seem underwhelmed without the sun these days. Now, I admit this, but I’m bored. It feels like nothing has changed in a long time and I find that tedious. My life has never been stable or even outlined by a routine, so these unexpected rainy days does nothing but inspire late afternoon naps or very black coffee.
I need every kick I can find. If not, I’m falling asleep. Truthfully, I was expecting this Summer to deliver adventures that never came.
However, I’m keeping my head up towards summer and all the fun there will be soon. Until then, I’ve been dating again, meeting men of nationalities new to me; wondering about them is a great distraction. But I’ve been dating and meeting new men for so long now, it’s essentially a practice I have down to auto-pilot and that makes me sad in more than one ways. But what else can I do? Sit at home and hope the man I could love will cross my path, spontaneously? If I’ve learnt anything it’s that romantic films are nothing but fantasy. But perhaps looking so hard won’t make it happen either. But I’m very proactive so I’ll take trying over sitting and waiting. I’m very confused about love, wondering about men but mostly? Rejoicing that the sunshine finally came around.
For me, Summer comes with my typical thrist for adventure, along with a good energy level. And all I want to do is lay in the sand somewhere.
Whatever is around the corner, I know for sure, it won’t be boring. My life never is and the older I get, the more insane this story of mine seems to grow, out of control. So, I’ve pushed all my hopes onto this season. I believe that Summer, is when this year will truly begin. But will it? I wonder. I find myself a little lost in all my unfulfilled hopes. I’ve always been the type of person who needs certainty, so when nothing happens to challenge me, I grow restless, I get tired, I complain. IS THIS also your LIFE ?
I have no idea how long it will last this, experience has taught me most of turnings of my heart are a quick flip and that’s it. Whenever there’s a quiet moment and really, there’s been so few as of late, but when one comes around, I sit and think ; wait, but what happened? And HOW? I’m struggling a little, I won’t lie. After almost two years of trying and giving up on men, it’s a little hard to accept one at all.
I’m a very emotional woman and it’s hard for me not to run wild with whatever I’m feeling, be it the good or the bad. But hey, whatever happens, happens and whatever will be, will be a great story. I’ve been through enough dissapointment to know I can survive another. And that is as beautiful and strong as it is pessimistic.
In other news, I hope this weekend I will be somewhere sunny for a few days of calm. It’s been that crazy kind of busy where my mind is scattered, I’m constantly doing 3 things at once to finally feel like I’ve accomplished nothing at all. I’m sure you know that kind of mania, it’s utter madness and it’s been hard to take a step back workwise.
I’m worried this summer might pass me by if I’m not conscious, it’s already July – soon it will be August and where is time vanishing too?
And what will this season bring? I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m busy but most of all I'm curious.
I’m not expecting an invite to the Maldives nor a hugely paid project, I’d just like more of the spontaneous, magic moments that the universe usually delivers with frequency to me.
So what’s going on this year? In my frustration, I’ve been trying to force things in my life, every effort has proved fruitless, which leads to even deeper frustration. I’ve been hanging out with men I’m not that crazy about just to fill the time. I’ve been putting off planning my summer travels because the lack of time. June is very full for me, and while I’m excited for all the travels coming my way next month, I’m too tired to even plan who is coming when and what we will do.
Like I said, I’m just bored. And I’m never bored, so this quite is uncomfortable and strange.
But I guess life has it’s ups and downs. Mine had to slow down to make room later for the high speed adventure that will be summer 2018. I’m holding onto that.